A ‘Thriller’ of a cupcake

I was always a fan of the red velvet cupcake, which was a rare find in my youth. Because it was just so red. And the cream cheese frosting — brilliant.

Then when I lived in California and had regular access to Trader Joe’s, I’d get the carrot cake cupcakes. Eating just one — with its almost overabundance of cream cheese frosting — made me feel like I was slipping into a diabetic coma. But in a good way.

And now — now, I have Hey Cupcake. I started out getting the red velvet, you know, for old time’s sake, but I noticed the cake part didn’t really have any flavor even though it was super dense. If you’re going to eat that many calories, it must be worth its weight in taste.

Then a few weeks ago, I wanted to try the 24 Carrot, but it and the red velvet were sold out. As I stood in line behind 3 women who probably each weighed 300 pounds — and who ordered 2 cupcakes each, “for here” — I considered the available options. Though I love vanilla, a vanilla-on-vanilla cupcake seemed like too much. I looked at the last item on the menu — the Michael Jackson. Yep, it’s pretty much what it sounds like: Chocolate-chocolate chip bottom with a cream cheese top. And it is awesome, like a moonwalk in your mouth.

Frosting doesn’t always make it better

One of my dreams has always been to be able to decorate a cake. And based on my new favorite blog, the standards for excellence in the field of edible art aren’t all that high. Looking at some of the travesties that pass for celebratory desserts, I feel like maybe it’s not the creative aspect that trips up most people.

Besides the fact that tan icing looks gross, did no one think to take the time to COMPREHEND what the order ticket actually said?

Don’t be afraid to try the weird flavors …

… but DO be prepared for your palette to be left unsettled.

I went to Amy’s the other night because I needed an ice cream fix. While I was waiting in line, I saw one of the rotating flavors was avocado. I know what you’re thinking — “Gross! Why would anyone turn the main ingredient in guacamole into a dessert?” But since I didn’t want to be too quick to judge, I asked for a sample since it was free.

A chick who looked like Molly Ringwald (the “Sixteen Candles” years), complete with ill-fitting ’80s clothes, a stretchy belt and a fedora, handed me a wood spoon with a dollop of green at the end. It started out OK — as ice cream. Then the avocado flavor creeped into the taste buds. And my brain said, “This is so wrong.” My mouth scrunched up like it does when it comes into contact with the dreaded bell pepper. A funny aftertaste coated my tongue and teeth. Well, at least now I know. And I never have to repeat that again.

I got my fallback flavor: Mexican vanilla with a strawberry crush’n. I would’ve gotten the crush’n for free except I couldn’t remember where the movie quote of the day was from:

“Who’s Frank Sinatra?”

Traveling food

With the terrible exchange rate, I won’t be traveling to Europe any time soon, but that doesn’t stop me from reading stories on budget travel while I save up for a vacation in like 2012. Or maybe sooner if Elizabeth and I can figure out how to use Elena’s connections to sell iPhones in Ukraine. But unless we make a lot of money on the phones, it will be all baguettes and beer (not that that’s a bad thing).

Last time I was in the U.K., I hadn’t taken much money with me so I subsisted on 2 meals a day. Between that and all of the walking, I lost at least 10 pounds. I’d have an English breakfast (eggs, sausages, baked beans, tomato slices, mushrooms and toast) around 10 a.m. and then in the late afternoon I’d eat something else, usually pub food. But my favorite cheap option was the Cornish pasty. For 99 pence, it was a meal-like empanada. Of course, according to a BBC story, now you won’t be able to call them Cornish pasties unless they’ve actually been made in Cornwall. Like a typical American, I don’t where that is — somewhere in England — and I’m not even sure if I’ve ever been there. I’m guessing not. I think.

Cornish pasties are crimped one side and have a chunky filling.

Who got the better deal?

I just went over to Jody’s where I swapped about 1/4 of a Hyde Park Fudge cake for about 2/3 of a steak.

“Take a plate”

This is what the plates of which Mexicans speak look like. This one is from Stella’s niece’s wedding in Houston, which was very festive. Hundreds of people, a disco ball and a giant cake under an arch — and bottles of tequila on top of tables covered in glitter.

Initially, caterers were handling the meal, but just as we got there, they ran out of food. Everyone still in line just sort of lingered, unwilling to believe there was no food. And we were rewarded. Out of nowhere, relatives of the groom wheeled in giant containers of home-cooked meat, rice and beans and tortillas wrapped in foil. The people who’d already eaten the catered meal got in line again because it all smelled so good.

Rice, potato salad and carne asada on Styrofoam

Stuff brown people do

I’m a big fan of the Stuff White People Like blog — I’ve known a lot of white people who seemed sort of bummed that they didn’t have an “ethnic” background other than being able to say things like “my great-great-grandparents were from, like, Poland.” Embrace the whiteness. Wear your sweaters and shorts while you study French abroad.

Anyway, reading it made me think that someone should start a Stuff Brown People Like blog, something similar to that “Ask a Mexican” column. I nominate Stella because she always reminds me of the things I know about brown people, but often forget. Like when I went over to have barbecued goat at her parents’ house and I got really full from the goat and the sausage and the chicken and the rice and the potato salad and the pan de polvo. As I was preparing to waddle out to the car, she said, “Hold on, I’ll fix you a plate.”

Now, don’t ever try to leave a Mexican’s house after a party without taking a plate. One, it can’t be done — no one will let you. Two, it’s bad form, as the English (white people!) would say. All I wanted was a little goat, because my mom wanted some. But that’s not how it works. Somehow I ended up with 2 plates … and a bag of cookies. Stella kept dashing around the kitchen, spooning and spearing and sliding food onto the paper plates before wrapping them with foil. I kept saying, “I don’t need that much, really. I’m only going to be here another day — that’s enough food for a week.” Like a true Mexican, Stella continued, oblivious to everything I said.

Ken said, “What’s the deal with plates? Every person who’s come over here has left with a plate.”

And Stella said, “You have to take a plate. That’s just how it is.”

And it’s true. My grandmother leaves every family function with a plate, sometimes more if she doesn’t want meat flavors mingling with the cake or if one of my aunts or uncles couldn’t come or if she has a health care provider who can’t cook and she wants to have extra meals around. And truthfully, if Stella and Ken had been at my house, I would’ve been thrusting food upon them as well. I guess that makes me a real Mexican, too.

If I were a dessert …

… I’d be pumpkin ice cream.

There are 2 kinds of people in the world: people who’d try pumpkin ice cream and people who wouldn’t. You know what I mean — there are people who don’t stray from the flavors in a tub of Neopolitan. And then there are people who’ll eat anything. Those are my people.

My favorite pumpkin ice cream happens to be made in my hometown by Amy’s Ice Cream, though — lamentably — only from Halloween to Thanksgiving. It’s thick and creamy and full of spices, just like the pie. My second favorite pumpkin ice cream is made by Fosselman’s in Alhambra, Calif., where it’s served from Halloween to New Year’s Eve, partly as a result of me going there a couple of times a week, which pushed demand way up. I’ve heard that Graeter’s in Cincinnati has a great version as well, though I’ve never found myself in Ohio to verify that.

I recently acquired an ice-cream maker, so with it being nearly summer and this being Texas, I’ll probably start The Great Pumpkin Ice Cream Experiment before too long. But first I need to dig up the directions.